Choices and Consequences
When preparing for my surrender, I worked with a consultant who put me in touch with offenders who had recently left BOP custody, and were familiar with the ins and outs of new acts in place, BOP protocols, how to navigate the new programming, and create my own personal plan.
Part of this plan was a support system who include loved ones invested in my personal growth. I have been living by the plan I created before surrendering. I read a book every 1-2 days, stay active and healthy, and hold myself accountable to everything I put in writing.
This process inspired me to work it in to the curriculum taught in my ACE classes. Everyone has an accountability partner, and we open each of the 12 week classes by sharing stories of how they constructively checked one another.
On a larger scale, my daughter is my unofficial accountability partner. She's a hardass.
She holds me to the wall on matters I don't even feel are relevant to my life or journey. Sometimes, I wonder if it's all necessary. I have my moments. I'm human- of course I have my moments. I've learned the hard way that I need to allow myself those moments, let them pass, and continue on my focused path. I think I was so set on perfection, that I didn't realize there was no such thing.
People who have it all figured out, and have the untainted white picket fence life are usually more full of it that we knew.
I know I was.
Here at the camp, we are different personalities dealing with their time here in their own survival modes. Some acting out, oblivious to their continued bad behaviors, and more than likely won't "get it" this time around. Some are flat out obnoxious about their felonious behavior, owning it with pride. Then there are the entitle innocents. The group who still proclaim their innocence, driving themselves and those around them crazy with rants about unfair imprisonment. They are truly doing hard time. Don't get me wrong, the feds put 10's on it, no doubt. In some cases 20's. In my own experience, the haters and media added 50's by the time they were finished with spin and embellishments. But, I needed to own up to what I did do, and chalk the rest up to the game.
Interestingly, it's the last group, the entitled ranters, who hold me accountable more than anyone. As I catch myself walking away from their conversations mid-sentence, I don't want to be like them. They make me see that I don't want to be like them. They make me see that the only way to truly grow is to own who I am. To do that, I need to own who I have been.
"It doesn't matter if we don't mean to do the things we do. It doesn't matter if it was an accident or a mistake. It doesn't matter if we think this is all up to fate. Because regardless of our destiny, we still have to answer for our actions. We make choices, big and small, and those choices have consequences.
We have to face those consequences head on- for better or for worse. We don't get to erase them by saying we didn't mean to (cause harm). Fate or otherwise, our lives are still the results of our choices. I'm learning that by not owning them, we don't own ourselves." ~Taylor Jenkins Reid